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Yeah, no, I'm fine.

Hi again, so this is something I wanted to write about last night but 2am rolled around and my eyes were hurting so I put it off. I knew I would come back to it though because, to be honest, it's been on my mind for days now.

For the past 4-6 months (a perfect example right here of how good my memory is) I have been signed onto ESA. Employment and Support Allowance which can also be very briefly explained as disability allowance for those who are not permanently disabled. They pay around about the same as JSA which is not enough to live on but just enough to survive. Anyway, as you would expect for a benefit like this, you are required to attend a medical assessment. If you have physical problems, there are a series of tests, can you walk short distances, can you reach your hands above your head, can you use small objects such as a pen or pencil etc. But how can you tell how capable a person with metal difficulties is. I, myself, fall under this category having Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, or so my psychotherapist says, I call it not being able to cope with everyday situations. So after submitting a written questionnaire weeks ago, I am subjected to a verbal questionnaire that apparently boils down to seven questions (I'll get to this in a minute.) I took Stu with me for emotional support, I was so nervous I was physically twitching during the whole process. I was asked question after question most of which began with 'how would you react if'. When it was over I asked how long before I heard anything. She said "I don't know, I just write down your answers and send them off." Thanks, you've been a great help. I waited for days and then forgot about it. Then for some reason, I suddenly remembered that I'm supposed to be awaiting this decision and I get anxious again. It arrived the next day. "We cannot pay you Employment and Support Allowance from 14 June 2011" "...after attending a medical assessment it has been decided you do not have any limited capability for work" "We will send you a separate letter explaining the full reasons..." crap. I have to admit, I hadn't thought for a second that this would happen. I thought my mental issues were so obvious that it would be a simple formality. I didn't know how to handle this. My first reaction was to repeat the word "no" over and over to myself, then I switched to "I can't work" for a while before inevitably bursting into tears. A day or so later I received their reasons. The letter reads; "Your assessment shows that you are capable of work. We recognise that you have a disability or health condition. But to get Employment and Support Allowance you have to score at least 15 points from your assessment. You scored 0 points..." "The following pages show the points we have awarded you." This is where I learn that a 30minute interview is secretly seven questions in disguise. There is a table entitled "Your work capability assessment - mental, cognitive and intellectual functions." There are three columns, Functional area, Our assessment and Points. The Functional areas include, Learning How to do Tasks, Being Aware of Danger, Starting a Task and Finishing is to the End (Where else would you finish it to?), Coping with Changes, Coping with Getting About on your Own, Dealing With Other People and Behaviour With Other People. Under Our Assessment in a load of made up bullshit that I didn't say and under points is a list of zero's. Let me explain. I was asked a question similar to "Are you able to learn how to do new tasks." I answered by saying something like, "Yes, eventually. I need someone to talk me through it several times and show me how it's done four or five times then stand and watch me do it to make sure I do it right and then leave the instructions on a piece of paper so that I can check it everytime I do it. But yes, I will learn eventually." They have written, "You can learn how to do new tasks." All of them are like this and this infuriates me. Yes, boiled down to the bare minimum I am saying that I am able to learn new tasks, but no employer would go through all of that just so that I can use a till. Besides that, this is not 'normal' behaviour and that is what they are supposed to be assessing.

So, I have decided to appeal against their decision, which of course means that I have to fill out more forms. I will also have my psychotherapist to write an accompanying letter to say that I am unfit for work and I will ask Stu to write a small paragraph to say that he was present during the assessment and he can vouch for the fact that my answers seem to have all been taken out of context. If they stick by their decision I don't know what I'll do. This whole thing has already pushed me back into self-harm again. Does that sound like someone who is mentally stable to you?

Anyway, I think that was all I had to say, I'll let you know what happens with that.

Blessed Be
XxxX

Starting Over

Hi there. Remember me? So, I think it's safe to say that I have neglected my LiveJournal account and for that I am sorry but I will tell you my reasons.

I felt obligated to use LiveJournal as if it were an online diary, going into unnecessary detail about pointless events in my day to day life. So I often put of the tedious job of updating every night, resulting in very rare entries in which I would try and bridge the gap between by telling you all about everything that had happened since I last visited this site. Most of the aforementioned posts are probably incredibly inaccurate as my memory is not that good. Not only that but I also censored a lot of what I wrote because I was very aware of who was reading it.

So, I have decided to start afresh with LiveJournal and instead of recounting daily going-on's to you which would only bore both of us, I will use LiveJournal as it should be used, as a platform for my thoughts, feelings and opinions. Afterall, on Facebook I can only express myself in short sentences and that's no use to anyone. I tried Vlogging for a bit but the difficulties I came up against were numerous. The most detrimental of all was that I couldn't find anywhere suitable to Vlog from. Also, I am very lazy and most of the time I cannot be bothered to spend the afternoon editing. I actually have a folder with a lot of raw video clips just sitting there, waiting to be turned into a Vlog. Anyway, writing is what I'm best at so why do anything else. When I speak I sometimes stutter or stumble on my words but when I write, everything is just how I want it to be. Intellectual, emotional, professional, whatever my needs are, I can twist and bend the words in just the right way. I have begun to ramble now though, so I shall get swiftly back to the point.

Here is were I should give you an update of what has happened in my life since I last posted, but a year has passed and a lot of things can happen in that time. Besides, I already told you I wasn't going to do that anymore. So I will do what anyone would do in conversation. If I'm telling a story that requires background knowledge to be understood, I will provide you with said knowledge.

So this is it, my return to LiveJournal (now synced up to my Facebook account). I hope that this is as exciting for you as it is for me.

Blessed Be
XxxX
Hi again. I know it's been a long time since I updated, but isn't it always.

I suppose I should start with Christmas. Mostly the same as all other Christmases, apart from my arguing with my mother. She seemed to be picking a fight with me. Everything I did was wrong and even the things I didn't do were wrong. It was Christmas I just wanted a nice calm day with my family, but what was I expecting, I mean really. Saying that, I had a good time with Ashley and Connor. We stayed up late playing Micro Machines and asking each other what colour their hat was. And I got some nice presents.

Moving onto New Years. The normal piss up with friends. (Any excuse to get drunk.) There was a slight incident with a friend and her boyfriend at the time. She felt he was ignoring her because he was stoned out of his head. He also told me, basically that I was wrong to believe what I do because it's all shite. Or words to that effect. I also sent a drunken text to my Mother. She sent me a "Happy New Year" and I replied with a "Like you give a damn about me at all." Since then, she has been a lot nicer to me. Taking me out shopping, showing me some self-helping techniques and actually appearing to care.

Quickly returning to my beliefs, I didn't tell you about Yule. Stu and I had a banquette. It was amazing, expensive and too much. It fed us for days. But the food was cooked perfectly, we ate and were merry. We gave thanks for the food we had and left an offering outside when we were done. It was nice to be able to practice my faith a celebrate a festival that means something to me without being patronized or ostracized.

Now I want to touch on girls. Or girl to be more precise. I, like most people have an outline of what they would like their partners to look like. I'm not majorly picky though. Anyway, so it was Stu's birthday. And some people from Weymouth were invited. Some I knew, some I didn't. The people I didn't know included Dan, Joe and his girlfriend Lauren. I saw her and if we were in a cheesy romance movie, doves would fly and angels would sing. She is perfect. I couldn't stop looking at her all night. We played a drinking game (Ring of Fire) and by the end of that we were all substantially drunk. So I lept on my chance and made out with her. Then pushed her to the ground carefully and started to touch her up a bit. *Embarrassed* I couldn't help myself, I was drunk and blah blah blah. Anyway. Her boyfriend wasn't particularly happy about this. Strange, I know. So they where arguing a little bit and he said he was breaking up with her. He did as well... briefly. I'm not sure how long it was exactly but if you ask me, it wasn't long enough to actually call it a break up. In conclusion, I have fallen for a straight chick, and a straight chick who has a boyfriend at that! So, I'm trying to be a good friend to her in stead. Which is difficult considering the fact that she lives in Weymouth. *Sigh*

Still no job, no money, sometimes no food. I cope. Kind of. I've been a little manic lately. Huge mood sings. I go from bored to angry that I'm bored then I usually break something and get upset and start crying because I feel bad for breaking it. Then I start to laugh, it was only something small, why am I crying over it? God, I'm so stupid to be crying over something so insignificant! Stupid! Stupid! Idiot! Insignificant!... I'm so pathetic, sat in tears on the floor. This is silly going in circles like this. Lol. I'm so weird. Et cetera. Anger, Tears, Laughter. About 10-20 times a day. Ridiculous, no? The other day I lashed out a friend. Threw my phone at him, got him in the eye. Bruised him. I didn't even realise I was angry until the phone had hit him. Then the anger hit me hard. Then I quickly realised what I had just done and burst into tears.

I'm sleeping a little better now though. There's still a lot that keeps me stressed and worried but I tend to sleep at least 5 hours a night, which is better than not sleeping at all. Concentration is difficult to maintain though. I wrote this entry in three parts because I couldn't focus on what I was doing. Which also means I haven't been writing much either. In fact I haven't written for months. That's rather depressing.

I started a vlog on youtube though. There's only one up there so far though. The sound quality is awful, so I've been trying to find a way to make it better without having to spend money I don't have. The only way it seems possible at the moment is to wear this headset that Connor lent to me. But I look ridiculous. Lol.

My longing for a baby has increased. The only reason I don't have one is because I wont allow myself to have a baby I can't afford to keep. That's just cruel.

I think I'm done.

Blessed Be
Hawk
XxxX

You are loved.

I Need to Get Out

Okay, update time.

I'm not living in a tent for starters. My Father would not allow it. Full Stop. So, I'm sleeping in the living room, round a friends house or if I'm really lucky Connor or Ashley will be out so I'll have their room for the night. I've been seeing alot of Stu and loving every second. He makes me laugh, but more importantly than that, when I'm with him I get that warm feeling inside that makes you forget everything that's going wrong for you at the moment and all that really matters is what you're doing at that moment in time. I love that feeling. I worry too much and it's nice to forget about things. Also, (Sorry brothers) we have a lot of sex. It's incredible but leaves me covered in bruises. Lol. It's funny actually because sometimes I'm too much for him. I demand so much of him and he's just not capable sometimes. Lol.

Moving on rather swiftly, I've been writing some more recently, which is always good. Again, I have Stu to thank for this. It's because he showed an actual interest in my book. He sat and listenned to me talk about it for hours looking intrigued and excited the whole time. So I printed off the first chapter for him. He loved it and told me I have to carry on writing because it would be a crime to deprive the world of my literary skills.

Still no job, or money. The Job Centre is gay. I'm sorry for all those who hate that phrase but that is the most polite way in which I can express how I feel about them. I have filled out a million forms and written a million letters and yet they haven't received any, so I have to write a million more. Arrrgh. I don't want to rant about this too much because it actually makes me really angry and stressed and I can't be doing with that right now.

So, what else to  tell you. Oh yeah, there's Josh. Well not too long ago he professed his undying love for me and said he wanted me back. He also, as maraculous as this may seem for those who know him, but he also took responsibility for certain things. He told me he knew that he treated me wrong and asked too much of me and some other things that I don't remember. I was too busy relishes the fact that he was admitting he was wrong. The thing is, I've moved on now. He's way too late and now when I see him it is really awkward and uncomfortable. As soon as I arrive, I want to leave again. And another thing I have noticed, again thanks to Stu, is how stupid Josh is. I have been dumbing myself down for him for years. When I was pretending to be stupid also, he was funny and cute but now, he's just irritating. I'm not too sure what to do about this. I mean, he knows that there is no chance for us now, but he keeps looking at me with those mopy eyes. I don't want to be brutally honest with him because that just isn't what he needs right now but I feel like that is the only way I can stop him from looking at me like that.

What else... Oh, I made an account on Okcupid.com in the hopes of finding myself a girlfriend. You cannot begin to imagine how much I miss female company in general, and that doesn't even compare to how much I miss intimate female company. I've spoken to a couple of girls. One of whom is insane and lives in San Jose. She's fun to talk to but not somebody I'll get to meet too soon. There's someone else who wants to paint me appently. She's just rather odd. But the other day I was browsing and stumbled upon a bisexual female of 19 who lives in the bournemouth area. I thought I'd check her out as she was the fit the general outline of the person I was looking for. I read through her profile and was mesmerised. I know this may sound cheesey but she was and is the girl I have been searching for. I sent her a message telling her how perfect she was and asking her to message back. And now I patiently await a reply. Her last login was August the 11th. But I have no other option but to wait for her. And I will wait, she is perfect after all.

I think that's all I have to say for now. Oh, I have to apologise for the amount of typos in the previous post. I'm not sure why there are so many, it may have been late when I wrote it, or my laptop may have been messing up. Also thank you to Ashley for updating because that reminds Connor to update which in turn reminds me. So if it weren't for Ashley, I probably wouldn't update as often as I do.

Okay, I'm done for real this time.
Blessed Be
Hawk
XxxX

Every new beginning...

So here I am. I don't know exactly how to start this, so I guess I'll just dive in.

I still don't have a job but I am trying, seriously hard. I signed up for Job Seekers Allowance about 7 weeks ago and still haven't been paid anything. I had to give up doing Avon because the job centre didn't like the the fact that I worked on a comission basis. I really didn't want to give it up. I really enjoyed doing my Avon but with everything else happening as well, I wasn't giving it the time and dedication it needed anyway.

I've been seeing Josh recently, in a purely friendly way. It's been nice seeing him and I have fun at his but the more I'm with him the more I realise we were not right for each other. Something dramatic happened to him recently and I stayed over there the other night. He was really distraute and I didn't want to leave him alone. So I stayed over and we slept in the same bed together. We were both fully dressed but we were together none-the-less. I became aware during the night that he had put his arm over me, then I noticed he was pulling me closer. So I did what I thought was best. I snuggled into him and we held each other through the night. In the morning he said he was sorry if it was akward and thanked me for cuddleing him back. I wish I could tell you how I feel. But I don't honestly know myself. I think I still love him but my brain has taken over, or at least I'm listenning to it more. It says that there was a reason we broke up. But when I'm with him, it's so natural and I have to stop myself from doing things like holding his hand, kissing him and smacking his bum as he leaves or enters a room. Things that I would usually do automatically. It's strange, it's natural but not, the same but different, I wan him back but don't. I think maybe I'm just not used to it yet. I hope this gets easier with time.

Now, I suppose I must tell you about Stu. I'm sure you all remember him as the man who consumed and ruined my life. Well, he back. But he's not the same person he was. Nobody believes that he has changed, they all think he's just doing it to trap me in a web of lies or something. But I honestly and truly believe that he is a different person. In fact, he is so different to who he used to be that I don't even associate the present Stu to the past one. Besides anything else, I am different now. I am stronger, wiser, more confident. I know what I am doing and I know I can handle myself. People tend to look at me and see a defensless woman. Women can be just as strong as men, if not, more so. And I am a strong woman.

I suppose I should clarify Stu's involvment in my life. We started off just being friends, we would drink together along with other friends. The thing about Stu is that he is in the same boat as me. No job, no comittments, endless amounts of time to do nothing with. So, we spent that time together. After Josh and I broke up, (some time after, it wasn't immediatly) I spent with him, and other people. I liked the feeling of being wanted after being rejected so I did sleep around a little to try and make myself feel better. (I was safe, don't worry, I'm not an imbosile.) But I always went back to Stu. And now we've come to a silent arrangement. We didn't agree on anything, and nothing is set in stone, but there is a mutual agreement between us that we wont be with anyone else. So, if you want to clasify that, go ahead. But don't judge me, just trust me. I know who I am and I am someone who can look after herself.

I don't know what else to tell you. My 19th birthday was a bust. I got a half-arsed present from Ashley, a stolen present from Stu and a new phone from my parents. My party was crap. We got soaked because it decided to tip it down whilst we were outside, nobody got even close to drunk because everyone was skint, and we stayed out in the cold all night because nobody had a home we could go to.

I have met Ashley's new girlfriend, (That word seems wrong but I don't know what else to call her) Diana. I love her. She doesn't seem very Ashley, but I think she's fantastic. She is the only one of Ashley's girlfriends I have liked so you know that means she's a good person. I am a very good judge of character (most of the time) and I have a really good feeling about her. I hope all goes well for the both of them.

That's about all I can think of. Oh, just one more thing. Ashley is moving back home and into my old room, so guess where I'm going to go. In the back garden, in a tent. Lol. I don't mind really, in fact, I've always liked camping. I think I will enjoy my life in a tent.

Okay, I'm really out of stuff to tell you now so until next time.

Blessed Be
Hawk
XxxX

The End

"Something has got to change and for that to happen we have to change it"  *Crack* That is the sound of two hearts breaking as Josh and I decide that we're better off alone.

Its difficult to say exactly where we went wrong. We've been arguing about the same things over and over for as long as I remember. The last couple of weeks I've been distant and sometimes I wasn't at home when he got back from work. The night before the break-up I was at a house warming party, without Josh. I asked him if I could go and he was fine with it, then he wasn't, then he was, then he wasn't. He ended up following me to the party where we had a huge argument and he told me to pack my bags and leave. I spent the whole night wondering why I was still with him, why he was still with me. The next morning I got home and started to pack. He asked what I was doing so I told him, "You told me to leave." He looked away from and I continued. "Maybe its for the best." These words were never spoken but the thought was with both of us. I said to him. "The way I see it, you want me to be something I'm not and I don't think I'm able to change." He nodded. "Something has got to change and for that to happen we have to change it." "Yeah. You're right." He said. He asked me where I would go and what I would do, told me he'd never stop loving me and that he'd always be there for me. I told him the same, "But don't contact me to begin with. It'll be too hard." We cried we hugged and I left.

I'm hoping that I can rise from the ashes. That this break up will force me to get back on my feet and support myself. I hope that I will grow as a person because of this. I hope he does too.

I don't know how long it will take for me to get over this. When I'm around people I get distracted and can carry on like I'm fine, but when I'm alone, the tears wont stop coming. But I don't want to dwell on what was and what could've been. It was great for the most part but it was time for it to end. Much like this post. Thanks for reading.

Blessed Be
Hawk

P.s Ashley, I'm sorry but obviously this means we wont be moving in with you. It also means I've stolen my room back. We'll sort something out though, don't worry.

Grown Up

"Hey, wouldn't it be funny if we planted mines under that field." Gesturing to a field with cows in it.

Josh said that today and I got a mental image of exploding cows. Couldn't stop laughing.

I saw Sean today. An old friend from school, he has a beautiful red car. We were talking about what we do and, well, I do nothing. Got me thinking again about how everybody is doing something apart from me. I thought about maybe going back to college, but I'll be 19 at the beginning of the school year which means I'll probably have to pay for it. With money, I might add, that we do not have.

I just wish I knew what I wanted to do while I still had time. I never knew what I wanted to do, and I always got told, don't worry, you've got years yet. And then years turned into months and I still didn't know and then suddenly college was over and I still had no direction. And now? Now I have officially run out of time and money to make my mind up. I just wish I had known.

Blessed Be
Hawk
XxxX

Freedom

I have realised something which I already knew. I have discovered what I want most in this world and where my pursuit of absolute happiness will take me: Freedom. I will not be satisfied with my life, no matter what I have achieved, until I am free.

 

I would leave this place, change my name become someone else. I would steal what I need, stow away on ships, walk the land for miles. Nobody would catch me. They may have my face but not my name, I would not be in one place for longer than a day and my biggest crime would be theft, hardly something the police are willing to pursue me for. I could go where I want, do what I want, nobody will be able to stop me.

 

The downside to all of this is that I would have to leave behind my family. I don’t have the bravery, nor the strength to go alone. If I could, I would take Josh with me, but he thinks I am stupid for thinking such things. He doesn’t know how much this means to me. But I want for him to understand, I want him to want it too. But he has resigned himself to obeying the rules that have been put down. Following the guidelines we have been set. Doing what is expected.

 

I feel the prison bars of this tyranny we call politics, the tyranny we call normality. I feel the bars on my face, I feel the cold concrete walls constrict my movement, I hear the muffled sound of the world outside calling to me. I long for it. I wait for the day that I will be released and set free. The day that I can roam as I please.

 

I would leave behind all these material objects. They are not needed. They are here to make us feel comfortable, and to make our lives easier. I would take one thing with me. A diary, somewhere where I can record my epic journey and have it passed down to my children and theirs to inspire them to do what you want, to never give up, to follow your dreams and reach for the stars. To aim high and how nothing is out of reach. I would also collect one small object from each place I visit, something that is significant, either because of the culture there, or because of my story.

 

Maybe one day I will have the strength to go my own way, and to find my freedom. I feel though, that I need someone to unlock the door to my cell before I can be free. I will await that day.

 

Blessed Be

Hawk

XxxX

New job and stuff

So yeah, I told you I was going to tell you about this new job, so here it is.

I work on the phones taking orders for California Fried Chicken. (Or Cali as it's more commonly known.) I sit in front of a computer with Ashley's (allsort46) system on it and I answer the phone when it rings and take orders. It's a bit tricky as there's alot of things to choose from but I'm slowly getting the hang of it. The other girls there are so quick. One of them even manages to study bio-chemistry with one hand and take orders with the other. It's incredible. Every one I've met so far is really nice though, and really helpful. I've only been there two days though, I'm sure it wont be long before I quicken my pace.

Not sure what else to tell you so I guess I'll leave it there for now. If I think of anything else I'll let you know.

Blessed Be
Hawk
XxxX

Observations

I just wanted to put in a quick post to mention a couple of observations I've made.

Firstly, the snow. It is rare for us to get snow where we are. We get hail and rain, but hardly ever snow, and when we do get snow, it very rarely settles. But for the last couple of days it has been snowing and settling. The first observation I have made here is how usless we are as a country. We get a couple of inches of snow and they close all the schools and airports and warn people not to travel unless absolutly necessary.

The other thing I have noticed in relation to snow is that, because it's rare, when people see it, one of two things will happen to them. The will either turn into children, or turn into artists. I myself have tried to turn into both and have coincidentally torn myself apart, wanting to play in the snow but at the same time wanting to leave it and preserve its beauty. Ultimately though, it makes us reminisce.

Lastly I have finally come to understand the phrase "I want to go home." I remember when my Dad was having a bad day he would lie on the sofa saying "I want to go home." I got all confused and said "But you are home." Today, I did the same thing, saying I wanted to go home when I already was. That was when I realised. Home isn't a physical place, it's just somewhere where you feel comfortable, safe, happy, warm and like you belong. That is what home truly is.

Anyway, I'm off now. I start work tomorrow. I'll let you know how it all goes.

Blessed Be
Hawk
XxxX