When I found myself hunched over the sink with my hand down my throat I thought to myself, "I didn't think it would go this far. I think it's time to stop before it gets completely out of hand." Luckily (or unluckily depending on your view) I have a pretty tame gag reflex, so I can shove my fingers literally down my throat and still not throw up. In the beginning, I was so used to not eating that I had to force myself to take on food until I was full but now, this has become a habit. In fact, I've started to eat even after I'm full. Stu has to watch me and if I start to complain that I'm full or my stomach hurts, he has to take the food away from me. I just want to inject here an apology for if I am repeating myself. I don't often re-read my posts so I'm unsure of what I have already posted. Moving on, this is where my problem is. I find I'm caught in a cycle and I'm unsure how to get out of it without having someone plan and monitor my meals for me. You see, by eating lots I'm putting on weight and putting on weight means that Ana (Ana is the voice in my head that was born from my anorexia. She is the one who warps my self-image and destroys my self-esteem encouraging me to starve myself and exercise until I collapse.) is telling me I'm fat and I need to starve myself. Fearing regression and maybe even relapse, I carry on eating which of course means that I put on more weight. And so the cycle repeats itself. I told my Psychotherapist this today and his solution was to cut my meds in half. This is a stupid idea and I'll tell you why. A side-effect of the drug I am on (Quetiapine) is weight gain so he believes that by cutting my dosage I will not gain so much weight. However, the main effect of the drug is that it settles my mind, quiets the voices in my head and allows me to think clearly. So even if I stop gaining weight, or even if I loose weight, my mind wont allow me to believe it. Knowing this, I feel like I should ignore his suggestion (just like he has ignored all of mine) and carry on taking my pills as normal. But then, he is a doctor and I know I'm supposed to trust that he knows what is best. I find it hard to make decisions.
Now let me tell you about the affects of my weight gain in relation to Stu. The first thing that I noticed was when he picked me up. He often does this as I'm so much smaller than him. When I was thin, it was easy and he was always shocked at how light I was and always told me so. He joked that he almost threw me through the ceiling because he was expecting more weight. Now it is much harder. He doesn't lift me as high and I can feel the strain in his arms and even hear the strain in his voice when he lifts me. He tries to pretend it's not that bad but I know he just doesn't want me to worry. But I do. He doesn't look at me the same way anymore. I don't mean to suggest that he loves me any less but when I was thin he would always be checking me out. If I stretched or bent over he'd grab me (not in a bad way. It made me feel good, like he was saying "You're sexy and I want you to know that I think so.") and I was never able to get changed in his presence because he'd be all over me. But now, I feel like furniture. He doesn't look at me anymore, he doesn't touch me anymore. I asked him if it was because of weight and he said he didn't know. Then I gave him the 'then and now' comparisons that I just gave you and he said "Well then, maybe you should be thin again" and "If you want something bad enough, you have to work for it." I guess I asked for it really. I just didn't think he was as shallow as he appears to be right now.
What else to tell you? Oh yeah. A friend of mine (well she's more of a friend of a friend... of a friend) is apparently pregnant which upsets me a little. Not because I dislike children or her, it's just that everybody I know is either pregnant or have recently had a child and most of them are single and not in the best of situations. I want to have children more than anything, have done since I hit puberty but I have waited to find a steady partner who also wants children and I'm waiting still, until we have a place of our own and funds enough to support a child. I worry that when the time comes, it wont be exciting and no-one will care because they've all 'been there, done that.' It's not fair that all these girls that accidentally get pregnant and pretend that it was planned get cooed over and the sensible people who are careful and wait until the time is right are ignored and forgotten. Also, knowing my parents, I'll be told that it is stupid and irresponsible of me no matter how long I wait.
Okay, I've completely bummed myself out now so I'm going to change the subject.
Beth (Connor's girlfriend) is visiting us. She seems nice. She's all quiet and shy but then I would be too. I'd like to get to know her better but I know how awkward you can feel in a strange place with strange people so I'm not going to push the awkwardness on her. I'll just wait until she feels a little more comfortable with us and then I will get to know her.
A quick note about my ESA appeal. I went to a meeting with a woman who deals with these things and she said it could take 6-8 months to process my appeal so try not to worry about it (easier said than done).
Also Danii got the birthday present I sent to her and called me to tell me how much she loved it and to demand that I tell her what I want for my birthday. I can't think of a thing and even if I could I hate to ask for presents. Also I can't help but feel like that's cheating. I put a lot of thought into the gift I got her and it demonstrated my love for her and her friendship as well as my knowledge of things that she likes. If I tell her what I want it shows me nothing about how she thinks of me.
Speaking of birthday presents, I got a new tattoo on my upper back, just below my neck of the triple Goddess. Pictures will be going to Facebook if you're interested.
Okay, I'm pretty sure that's everything now. Thanks for sticking around so far.