vicstaroonie (vicstaroonie) wrote,

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This and That

I've been like a zombie today. You know how it feels when you have to get up in the night to go to the toilet? You can barely roll yourself out of bed and your legs don't respond to you properly, even lifting your arm or keeping your head up is a struggle, that's how I've been all day today. Once again, I don't know why. I feel like recently, my body just decides that it's going to do something strange for no apparent reason and I just have to go along with it. It's frustrating and I canstantly feel like I'm ill but I don't know what I can do about it.

It was my 21st birthday on the 10th. It was an okay celebration I guess, not the best 21st ever nor even the best birthday I've ever had, it wasn't even what I had in mind, but it didn't rain and I didn't cry so it could have been a whole lot worse. It consisted of Graham, Stu and myself drinking and playing 'Liars Dice' the day before and family celebrations on the day itself. Food, drink and old school games, just like every other birthday.

I haven't gone a day without alcohol since then. I've not been drinking myself into a stupour or anything but one drink a day is far more than is usual for me. I feel like if I could afford to be on drugs, I would be, so in stead I'll smoke, drink and take as many of my anti-psychotics as I dare. It's that or go back to self-harm and Stu's started checking me for cuts so I guess I'll do my damage on the inside. Talking of which, my 'recovery' from anorexia has gone completely wrong. I'm not starving myself again, in stead I'm eating and eating and eating. Stu now has to watch me eat and take food away from me if he sees me struggling because I will eat until I can eat no more. My stomach swells and aches and I often feel like I'm going to throw up, I prefered feeling hungry.

I've also told Stu to command me once a day to either read or write. I mentioned before that I started reading 'The Great Gatsby', well I'm also in the middle of reading 'Awakening the Budah Within' and after that I have a bunch of John Greens, three or four books that I picked up at the second-hand shop, a book given to me as a birthday present and three books that I bought for Stu but which I also have to read. I really need to write more than I do as well.

I'm sorry that this post has been disjointed and seemingly pointless but I'm too tired to fix it so I'll leave it as it is and then let you know at a later date if I remember anything that I forgot to write about here.

Blessed Be

P.s. I just remembered that I forgot to tell you about my appeal and councelling. Sorry but I'm too tired now, maybe I'll tell you about it tomorrow.
Tags: 21, alcohol, birthday, books, food, reading, self-harm, sleep, tired, writing
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