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Feelings

I've been ill the last couple of days. I think it's due to stress, I get like this when I work and when I was in college I had it a lot too. It's just a constant feeling that I'm going to throw up but I never do. It's so frustrating, I'm in constant discomfort. But I should start feeling better soon, now that Connor sent off my Appeal for me. Did I mention that? I don't remember the last thing I told you about it. I was waiting for a letter from my psychotherapist to send with the appeal. Mum sent me a text to say I had mail while I was away and I assumed that was it. It wasn't though and that's when I got ill. The next day it came though so I put it together with the other bits and pieces and asked Connor very nicely if he would run in up to the post box for me along with another letter that I had written the night before for a very good friend of mine and the girl I love.

She just called me actually. Poor thing was crying down the phone. She was upset because she'd just read my letter (not the reaction I was hoping for) and felt bad for not writing to me before. I did what I always do and laughed, explaining that it didn't matter, I always hope that my laughter will cheer up the person crying but it didn't have that affect. In stead she simply replied, "It matters to me." It broke my heart to hear her cry and to know that it was my letter that did it. What hurts more is that I can't wipe the tears from her eyes and hold her in my arms, stroking her hair and kissing her forehead and her crying subsides and she smiles again. I know I shouldn't love her and I've tried to stop but I can't. The mere thought of her makes my heart pound, and this smile refuses to leave my face even as my eyes begin to fill with tears.

I have to change the subject now or else I'll cry all night. Speaking of which, I've been finding it difficult to sleep of late. It's not just the illness either although the constant temperature change doesn't help. Actually, that's not a topic I can expand on easily so I guess I'll just move on.

I've been trying to keep myself busy. Doing puzzles, sculpting, playing Morrowind (Doesn't that just feel like there should be another 'w' in there?) and most recently, doing research for my newest book idea. Unfortunately this means gathering opinions from Muslims. Now, just to make it clear, I have nothing against Muslims or Islam, in fact I find the whole this fascinatingly interesting. But that's it. Now I could get as much info as I liked about Islam on the internet but what I really wanted was the opinions of Muslims not the opinion of Islam. In case my meaning is unclear I will rephrase. I don't want to know purely about what Islam teaches, what I really want to know is about the culture of it and how it affects Muslims in their everyday lives. However, collecting this information by talking to people means that I have to... well... talk to people. I have learned that Muslims have very strong opinions about how things should be and that's fine until they start using phrases like "It's wrong" and "It's linked to mental illness." I literally have to bite my lip, move my hands away from the keyboard and breathe. I keep reminding myself that it's just their opinion, it's what their religion teaches them, I'm supposed to be collecting information, I must not judge them and this is the kind of thing that I wanted to learn. It's a good thing I'm such a patient person.

Talking about my writing though, I've been telling myself for weeks now that "I'm going to do some writing today." The funny thing is, I always believe myself as well. I think it's just the thought of sitting and typing (what exactly are you doing now Vicky?) when I'd much rather be walking around or sculpting while talking into my dictaphone. I think it's broken though. The mechanisms stop turning for no apparent reason too frequently for me to even record a sentence.

I'm going to sign off now as my eyes are starting to hurt and my spelling is progressively getting worse, not that you'll notice (thank you spell check), and I feel like I should be lying and staring at the ceiling trying to decide whether I want the cover on or off me in stead of blogging so...

Goodnight and Blessed Be
XxxX

Oh, p.s. Still haven't got past chapter 3 of The Great Gatsby. I'm terrible I know.
p.p.s. There were only two spelling mistakes, go me! :p