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The Point of Absolute Despair

So, it’s been a month since I last updated. This is mostly due to the sheer exhausted nature of my being at the moment. Everything has been more difficult since my meds were cut in half. Living is harder now (The precise reason I upped my dosage in the first place).



My appeal and ESA and money situation take most of my energy nowadays. I’m on the brink of giving up. My money was stopped for apparently no reason so I called up Chippenham (sp?) to find out what was going on and after two days of trying to get through to a human being (no, I’m not exaggerating) I eventual was told that I needed a doctors note. I had not been told this previously. There was no way I could have known that. I told them this and also asked what I was supposed to do to live until I could get one to them and I got the generic ‘not my problem’ response. I couldn’t get a doctors appointment for a week and my doctor is on holiday so I had to meet with someone unfamiliar. I saw them today and explained my situation to them and told them what I needed. I was told then when I was declared ‘fit for work’, the doctors has received a letter telling them not to supply me with doctor’s notes anymore. I again explained that I was in the process of appealing and she agreed to give me one for four weeks only and told me that I have to find out what’s going on and fix it and to meet with Dr Knight (my usual doctor) as soon as he returns. I then went to the Job Centre to ask them what was going on and how I could fix it and the woman there told me that I shouldn’t need doctor’s notes and that I should be claiming JSA while the appeal is going through. I told her that I was told that I would continue being paid ESA while and she said “Oh, that’s fine then. There are two scenarios. I would call Chippenham and ask them what you should be doing.”


I’m so tired and drained and I’ve been crying all day. All I want is a little bit of help but everybody seems to be doing everything they can to make everything as difficult as possible. I went for a CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) the other day as well and after talking to the councillor for an hour and a half she decided that I may in fact be psychotic and that I need better help for a longer period of time than she can give me. So, I’ve been
referred elsewhere… again. I’ve not heard anymore about that since then.


So I’m left with meds that don’t help, benefits that aren’t being paid and counselling that may or may not happen in the unknown future.


The whole point of my claiming ESA in the first place was to avoid the stress of work/ looking for work and all the things that go with it. I just wanted time to get help and get better but I’m thinking that right now, the better option may be to hide under the duvet until the world goes away. In fact, I’m thinking of walking down to St
Ann’s and signing myself in. I don’t know how much more of this I can cope with. I can feel myself breaking down and falling apart.


And I’ve had a headache for three days now.