Okay, so my appeal is being processed and I have an interview with someone on the 26th who will "explain my options to me". Good to know I suppose, and I will continue being paid ESA until the appeal has been dealt with.
I also filled out a questionnaire (I fucking hate questionnaires) so that I can be put on the waiting list for The Gateway Team. If you follow me on Facebook, you'll know all about this because I've ranted a lot about how it's impossible to rate emotions on a scale from 0-8. Anyway, I don't really want to get into that again, so I'll just say this; I'm not exactly feeling optimistic.
Anyway, I'm pissed off about something else right now and that is what I came here to talk about. Stu would be pissed if he knew about this but I don't give a shit. This is a place for me to express myself so fuck him, that's what I'm going to do.
This is about his sister. Now, it's no secret that I hate her and yes, I said hate. I don't normally like to use that word because I hate it when people say they hate someone and then forgive them instantly because they said sorry. That's not hate, you were just angry at the time. But I hate Kazz, and for those who don't know her, I'll give you a run down. Kazz is a control freak, an attention seeker, a bitch and a hypocrite. She will tell you exactly what, when, where and how you should do something while she tells you a story about how awesome she is before bitching about a certain person that she knows who she hates because they're always trying to tell people what to do. Then, of course, she's really nice to their face so I guess you can add two faced to that list. Here's an example of just how two-faced she is. A while back, she and Stu were in a fight about something, I don't even remember what. Anyway, she shouted to me, something along the lines of "I bet you're happy now aren't you Vicky. You finally got what you always wanted." Stu replies by telling her to leave me out of it because it has nothing to do with me, so in the space of a breath she is now begging me to help her fix things with Stu. I told her it had nothing to do with me and that I was keeping out of it. This has been swirling in my head for days now.
So because of these things, I dislike her as a person. If she were anyone else I'd meet her, suss out her personality and probably never see her again but because she happens to be my boyfriend's sister, I tried to get along with her. I tried hard but eventually it was obvious that it just wasn't going to work, so I gave up. But here's the thing, I dislike her as a person simply because of the way she is and the way she acts but I also dislike the way she treats Stu and the way he lets her treat him and also the way he is with her. All these things add up and leave me inevitably hating her. I know I'm rambling because I'm emotional right now but please bare with me. When I came to the conclusion that we would never get on no matter how hard I tried, I told Stu that I would refrain from 'bitching' about her in his presence and he would do the same with Josh. The difference here though is that Stu hates Josh because he feels personally betrayed by him but I hate Kazz for Stu's sake. You may disagree with my morals but I think it's noble what I do and I'd do it for anyone that I love. When Claire was with her alcoholic husband I told her what a piece of work her was, when Josh was with his cheating girlfriend who didn't even care enough to make up an excuse, I told him he should leave her and when Ashley brought his girl over from America, I made my feelings towards her abundantly clear. I want these people to see what is really there in front of their eyes instead of the ideal person they've built them up to be, because I love them and I don't want them to be hurt. Anyway, recently I've not been trying so hard to bite my tongue. This is partly because of the reasons I just gave, partly because I'm having some personal issues with my medication (which I will explain more about in a minute) and partly because I'm fed up with keeping my feelings and emotions to myself.
As you can imagine, Stu doesn't like to hear bad things said about his sister and so we have been arguing quite a bit recently but I am determined that eventually I will be able to give him some kind of undeniable proof that will open his eyes once and for all. One thing that really gets to me is his Facebook profile. He very rarely uses Facebook even though I also bring my laptop to his house and he can use it whenever he likes, he chooses not to. So, Kazz often logs into his account and adds friends for him, adds him to groups and even unfriends people that she has had a falling out with. This just screams control freak at me. She literally dictates who he will and will not be friends with. He said to me that he doesn't care because he doesn't really use Facebook anyway, to which I said "Then why don't you just close your account?" He says that people expect you to have Facebook and people always say to add them on Facebook when you've met them and been friendly with them. I asked why it would be so terrible for him to say that he doesn't have Facebook and give them his number in stead but he says that he never has credit, to which I reply that he's never on Facebook either to which he maintains that people expect you to have Facebook. Does anyone else find this ridiculous? So the fact that she pick and chooses his friends pisses me off but when I found out that she will bitch to him about status' that I have put up, I was so beyond pissed off I don't have a term for it. So I ended up blocking my boyfriend so that his bitch of a sister can't spy on me through him anymore.
But wait, there's more. She was supposed to go round his tonight, stay over and leave tomorrow at a decent time so that I could go up and see him. Then she says that she doesn't know if she's going to come over or not and that she'll let him know and in turn, he'll let me know if I can come over earlier. Then I find out that she's told him that if she does come over it'll be some time between 8 and 10 and he just has to sit and wait to see if she shows up or not. Apart from anything else, that's just rude. Then we find out she's not coming until the early hours tomorrow morning... maybe. So now, not only is she making him drop everything and wait to see if she shows up but it means that I'm forced to do the same. Even though I've all but cut her out of my life, she is still controlling me and what's worse is that he doesn't understand why I'm angry and thinks that I'm having a go at her for no reason what-so-ever. If this were the other way around she would demand that he tell her exactly what was happening and if he really couldn't give her an answer because certain events were out of his control she would shout and yell at him loads and basically make him feel like shit about himself. How do I know this? I've seen it happen. She flies off the handle if he shows up 5 minutes late, if he made her sit around the house and wait to see if he shows up she would go completely mental. But he just rolls over and begs her to walk all up and down his spine. God! If she wasn't his sister I could swear that he was either in love with her or they were having an affair. He freaked out when I said this to him so I amended it by saying "It's either that or you constantly owe her something." He argued that if she thought he owed her then she would keep reminding him of it. "No," I said "the best manipulators are so good at what they do that they make you think that you want to do all these things for them because they are really nice to you. Can you tell me one good thing that she has done for you?" He said, "She's always stuck up for me. I would be on the streets if it wasn't for her." "Ah," says I "so you do feel like you owe her?" Game, set and match. He just made a lot of angry sounds, kept saying no and then changed the subject.
We're in the middle of a fight at the moment. I was complaining down the phone to him about how she shouldn't be able to control my life as well as his and he hung up on me. I told him I'm coming over tomorrow at 4 whether she's there or not. I'm unsure how to play this. I can either go over when I said I would and be satisfied that I still make the rules in my own life, or I could not show up and not tell him and see if he lets me get away with it as flawlessly as she does. Either way, I'd be making my point but I feel that the first option is a personal victory whereas the second would be a very, 'I told you so' and 'I'm going to rub it in your face' victory. The second may be more petty but it'll definitely be more fun. But then this whole thing arose because I wanted to see him and she was stopping that from happen, so in a way I'll be cutting off my nose to spite my face. I really don't know. Both are likely to end in an argument. I could always just show up at 8 or 9, that way I'll be able to do both. But then knowing him, he'll probably go to pigeons or something just to piss me off a little more. He makes me so angry sometimes.
You know what else I don't understand? Why people say completely fabricated lies just to hurt other people when they are angry. I will admit that I did this when I was a child but since I've come to experience real relationships and therefore real arguments, I have never done this. Stu often does this and then afterward will say "I just said it because I was angry, you know I don't really mean it." But no, I don't know that. How am I supposed to know that it wasn't actually something that you've thought or felt for a long time and it just came up because you were angry? How am I supposed to pick apart the truth from the lies? I can't just assume that everything you say in anger is a lie because then our arguments would never be resolved. I just don't understand why people do that.
Moving fluidly onto the topic of my medication. I am bad at time keeping. Everyone who knows me, knows this. So there have been times when I've had to go a week or so without my anti-psychotics because I have thought that I had enough to last me a certain amount of time and they didn't. Then I forget to put in the prescription and then when I do, I forget to account for the fact that the doctors are closed on weekends, etc. Point is, it's my fault that I run out of pills but regardless of that, the fact is that I have had to go periods of time drug free. When I am off the drugs, I very quickly slip back into the way I used to be. Over emotional, insomniatic, my brain working over time, and these things can sometimes cause me to fight with Stu and I can see those cogs turning in his head. He's wishing that I was drugged up. He has admitted this to me and the more I think about it, the less I want to take them. He only got back with me because I was on the medication and therefore "easier to handle" (his words not mine). The fights that we have about Kazz coupled with this thought bring me to this conclusion; he wants a zombie for a girlfriend. He doesn't want me to be willful or opinionated or free thinking like I am, he wants me to be calm and settled and let the world wash over me. He doesn't want to be with me the way I am, he wants to be with the me that is too drugged up to give a damn about anything.
Anyway, I have a headache now and to be honest, the more I type the angrier I get so I'll leave it there for tonight. Sorry it's been a long one and as usual, I'm sorry for the disconjointedness and for any typos.