All About Hawk

Okay, update time.

I'm not living in a tent for starters. My Father would not allow it. Full Stop. So, I'm sleeping in the living room, round a friends house or if I'm really lucky Connor or Ashley will be out so I'll have their room for the night. I've been seeing alot of Stu and loving every second. He makes me laugh, but more importantly than that, when I'm with him I get that warm feeling inside that makes you forget everything that's going wrong for you at the moment and all that really matters is what you're doing at that moment in time. I love that feeling. I worry too much and it's nice to forget about things. Also, (Sorry brothers) we have a lot of sex. It's incredible but leaves me covered in bruises. Lol. It's funny actually because sometimes I'm too much for him. I demand so much of him and he's just not capable sometimes. Lol.

Moving on rather swiftly, I've been writing some more recently, which is always good. Again, I have Stu to thank for this. It's because he showed an actual interest in my book. He sat and listenned to me talk about it for hours looking intrigued and excited the whole time. So I printed off the first chapter for him. He loved it and told me I have to carry on writing because it would be a crime to deprive the world of my literary skills.

Still no job, or money. The Job Centre is gay. I'm sorry for all those who hate that phrase but that is the most polite way in which I can express how I feel about them. I have filled out a million forms and written a million letters and yet they haven't received any, so I have to write a million more. Arrrgh. I don't want to rant about this too much because it actually makes me really angry and stressed and I can't be doing with that right now.

So, what else to  tell you. Oh yeah, there's Josh. Well not too long ago he professed his undying love for me and said he wanted me back. He also, as maraculous as this may seem for those who know him, but he also took responsibility for certain things. He told me he knew that he treated me wrong and asked too much of me and some other things that I don't remember. I was too busy relishes the fact that he was admitting he was wrong. The thing is, I've moved on now. He's way too late and now when I see him it is really awkward and uncomfortable. As soon as I arrive, I want to leave again. And another thing I have noticed, again thanks to Stu, is how stupid Josh is. I have been dumbing myself down for him for years. When I was pretending to be stupid also, he was funny and cute but now, he's just irritating. I'm not too sure what to do about this. I mean, he knows that there is no chance for us now, but he keeps looking at me with those mopy eyes. I don't want to be brutally honest with him because that just isn't what he needs right now but I feel like that is the only way I can stop him from looking at me like that.

What else... Oh, I made an account on Okcupid.com in the hopes of finding myself a girlfriend. You cannot begin to imagine how much I miss female company in general, and that doesn't even compare to how much I miss intimate female company. I've spoken to a couple of girls. One of whom is insane and lives in San Jose. She's fun to talk to but not somebody I'll get to meet too soon. There's someone else who wants to paint me appently. She's just rather odd. But the other day I was browsing and stumbled upon a bisexual female of 19 who lives in the bournemouth area. I thought I'd check her out as she was the fit the general outline of the person I was looking for. I read through her profile and was mesmerised. I know this may sound cheesey but she was and is the girl I have been searching for. I sent her a message telling her how perfect she was and asking her to message back. And now I patiently await a reply. Her last login was August the 11th. But I have no other option but to wait for her. And I will wait, she is perfect after all.

I think that's all I have to say for now. Oh, I have to apologise for the amount of typos in the previous post. I'm not sure why there are so many, it may have been late when I wrote it, or my laptop may have been messing up. Also thank you to Ashley for updating because that reminds Connor to update which in turn reminds me. So if it weren't for Ashley, I probably wouldn't update as often as I do.

Okay, I'm done for real this time.
Blessed Be
Hawk
XxxX

So here I am. I don't know exactly how to start this, so I guess I'll just dive in.

I still don't have a job but I am trying, seriously hard. I signed up for Job Seekers Allowance about 7 weeks ago and still haven't been paid anything. I had to give up doing Avon because the job centre didn't like the the fact that I worked on a comission basis. I really didn't want to give it up. I really enjoyed doing my Avon but with everything else happening as well, I wasn't giving it the time and dedication it needed anyway.

I've been seeing Josh recently, in a purely friendly way. It's been nice seeing him and I have fun at his but the more I'm with him the more I realise we were not right for each other. Something dramatic happened to him recently and I stayed over there the other night. He was really distraute and I didn't want to leave him alone. So I stayed over and we slept in the same bed together. We were both fully dressed but we were together none-the-less. I became aware during the night that he had put his arm over me, then I noticed he was pulling me closer. So I did what I thought was best. I snuggled into him and we held each other through the night. In the morning he said he was sorry if it was akward and thanked me for cuddleing him back. I wish I could tell you how I feel. But I don't honestly know myself. I think I still love him but my brain has taken over, or at least I'm listenning to it more. It says that there was a reason we broke up. But when I'm with him, it's so natural and I have to stop myself from doing things like holding his hand, kissing him and smacking his bum as he leaves or enters a room. Things that I would usually do automatically. It's strange, it's natural but not, the same but different, I wan him back but don't. I think maybe I'm just not used to it yet. I hope this gets easier with time.

Now, I suppose I must tell you about Stu. I'm sure you all remember him as the man who consumed and ruined my life. Well, he back. But he's not the same person he was. Nobody believes that he has changed, they all think he's just doing it to trap me in a web of lies or something. But I honestly and truly believe that he is a different person. In fact, he is so different to who he used to be that I don't even associate the present Stu to the past one. Besides anything else, I am different now. I am stronger, wiser, more confident. I know what I am doing and I know I can handle myself. People tend to look at me and see a defensless woman. Women can be just as strong as men, if not, more so. And I am a strong woman.

I suppose I should clarify Stu's involvment in my life. We started off just being friends, we would drink together along with other friends. The thing about Stu is that he is in the same boat as me. No job, no comittments, endless amounts of time to do nothing with. So, we spent that time together. After Josh and I broke up, (some time after, it wasn't immediatly) I spent with him, and other people. I liked the feeling of being wanted after being rejected so I did sleep around a little to try and make myself feel better. (I was safe, don't worry, I'm not an imbosile.) But I always went back to Stu. And now we've come to a silent arrangement. We didn't agree on anything, and nothing is set in stone, but there is a mutual agreement between us that we wont be with anyone else. So, if you want to clasify that, go ahead. But don't judge me, just trust me. I know who I am and I am someone who can look after herself.

I don't know what else to tell you. My 19th birthday was a bust. I got a half-arsed present from Ashley, a stolen present from Stu and a new phone from my parents. My party was crap. We got soaked because it decided to tip it down whilst we were outside, nobody got even close to drunk because everyone was skint, and we stayed out in the cold all night because nobody had a home we could go to.

I have met Ashley's new girlfriend, (That word seems wrong but I don't know what else to call her) Diana. I love her. She doesn't seem very Ashley, but I think she's fantastic. She is the only one of Ashley's girlfriends I have liked so you know that means she's a good person. I am a very good judge of character (most of the time) and I have a really good feeling about her. I hope all goes well for the both of them.

That's about all I can think of. Oh, just one more thing. Ashley is moving back home and into my old room, so guess where I'm going to go. In the back garden, in a tent. Lol. I don't mind really, in fact, I've always liked camping. I think I will enjoy my life in a tent.

Okay, I'm really out of stuff to tell you now so until next time.

Blessed Be
Hawk
XxxX

"Something has got to change and for that to happen we have to change it"  *Crack* That is the sound of two hearts breaking as Josh and I decide that we're better off alone.

Its difficult to say exactly where we went wrong. We've been arguing about the same things over and over for as long as I remember. The last couple of weeks I've been distant and sometimes I wasn't at home when he got back from work. The night before the break-up I was at a house warming party, without Josh. I asked him if I could go and he was fine with it, then he wasn't, then he was, then he wasn't. He ended up following me to the party where we had a huge argument and he told me to pack my bags and leave. I spent the whole night wondering why I was still with him, why he was still with me. The next morning I got home and started to pack. He asked what I was doing so I told him, "You told me to leave." He looked away from and I continued. "Maybe its for the best." These words were never spoken but the thought was with both of us. I said to him. "The way I see it, you want me to be something I'm not and I don't think I'm able to change." He nodded. "Something has got to change and for that to happen we have to change it." "Yeah. You're right." He said. He asked me where I would go and what I would do, told me he'd never stop loving me and that he'd always be there for me. I told him the same, "But don't contact me to begin with. It'll be too hard." We cried we hugged and I left.

I'm hoping that I can rise from the ashes. That this break up will force me to get back on my feet and support myself. I hope that I will grow as a person because of this. I hope he does too.

I don't know how long it will take for me to get over this. When I'm around people I get distracted and can carry on like I'm fine, but when I'm alone, the tears wont stop coming. But I don't want to dwell on what was and what could've been. It was great for the most part but it was time for it to end. Much like this post. Thanks for reading.

Blessed Be
Hawk

P.s Ashley, I'm sorry but obviously this means we wont be moving in with you. It also means I've stolen my room back. We'll sort something out though, don't worry.

"Hey, wouldn't it be funny if we planted mines under that field." Gesturing to a field with cows in it.

Josh said that today and I got a mental image of exploding cows. Couldn't stop laughing.

I saw Sean today. An old friend from school, he has a beautiful red car. We were talking about what we do and, well, I do nothing. Got me thinking again about how everybody is doing something apart from me. I thought about maybe going back to college, but I'll be 19 at the beginning of the school year which means I'll probably have to pay for it. With money, I might add, that we do not have.

I just wish I knew what I wanted to do while I still had time. I never knew what I wanted to do, and I always got told, don't worry, you've got years yet. And then years turned into months and I still didn't know and then suddenly college was over and I still had no direction. And now? Now I have officially run out of time and money to make my mind up. I just wish I had known.

Blessed Be
Hawk
XxxX

I have realised something which I already knew. I have discovered what I want most in this world and where my pursuit of absolute happiness will take me: Freedom. I will not be satisfied with my life, no matter what I have achieved, until I am free.

 

I would leave this place, change my name become someone else. I would steal what I need, stow away on ships, walk the land for miles. Nobody would catch me. They may have my face but not my name, I would not be in one place for longer than a day and my biggest crime would be theft, hardly something the police are willing to pursue me for. I could go where I want, do what I want, nobody will be able to stop me.

 

The downside to all of this is that I would have to leave behind my family. I don’t have the bravery, nor the strength to go alone. If I could, I would take Josh with me, but he thinks I am stupid for thinking such things. He doesn’t know how much this means to me. But I want for him to understand, I want him to want it too. But he has resigned himself to obeying the rules that have been put down. Following the guidelines we have been set. Doing what is expected.

 

I feel the prison bars of this tyranny we call politics, the tyranny we call normality. I feel the bars on my face, I feel the cold concrete walls constrict my movement, I hear the muffled sound of the world outside calling to me. I long for it. I wait for the day that I will be released and set free. The day that I can roam as I please.

 

I would leave behind all these material objects. They are not needed. They are here to make us feel comfortable, and to make our lives easier. I would take one thing with me. A diary, somewhere where I can record my epic journey and have it passed down to my children and theirs to inspire them to do what you want, to never give up, to follow your dreams and reach for the stars. To aim high and how nothing is out of reach. I would also collect one small object from each place I visit, something that is significant, either because of the culture there, or because of my story.

 

Maybe one day I will have the strength to go my own way, and to find my freedom. I feel though, that I need someone to unlock the door to my cell before I can be free. I will await that day.

 

Blessed Be

Hawk

XxxX

So yeah, I told you I was going to tell you about this new job, so here it is.

I work on the phones taking orders for California Fried Chicken. (Or Cali as it's more commonly known.) I sit in front of a computer with Ashley's (allsort46) system on it and I answer the phone when it rings and take orders. It's a bit tricky as there's alot of things to choose from but I'm slowly getting the hang of it. The other girls there are so quick. One of them even manages to study bio-chemistry with one hand and take orders with the other. It's incredible. Every one I've met so far is really nice though, and really helpful. I've only been there two days though, I'm sure it wont be long before I quicken my pace.

Not sure what else to tell you so I guess I'll leave it there for now. If I think of anything else I'll let you know.

Blessed Be
Hawk
XxxX

I just wanted to put in a quick post to mention a couple of observations I've made.

Firstly, the snow. It is rare for us to get snow where we are. We get hail and rain, but hardly ever snow, and when we do get snow, it very rarely settles. But for the last couple of days it has been snowing and settling. The first observation I have made here is how usless we are as a country. We get a couple of inches of snow and they close all the schools and airports and warn people not to travel unless absolutly necessary.

The other thing I have noticed in relation to snow is that, because it's rare, when people see it, one of two things will happen to them. The will either turn into children, or turn into artists. I myself have tried to turn into both and have coincidentally torn myself apart, wanting to play in the snow but at the same time wanting to leave it and preserve its beauty. Ultimately though, it makes us reminisce.

Lastly I have finally come to understand the phrase "I want to go home." I remember when my Dad was having a bad day he would lie on the sofa saying "I want to go home." I got all confused and said "But you are home." Today, I did the same thing, saying I wanted to go home when I already was. That was when I realised. Home isn't a physical place, it's just somewhere where you feel comfortable, safe, happy, warm and like you belong. That is what home truly is.

Anyway, I'm off now. I start work tomorrow. I'll let you know how it all goes.

Blessed Be
Hawk
XxxX

We were supposed to have the internet up and running again by now, but virgin suck so it’s another ‘Copy-Paste’ entry for you.

I hate my job. Every day I become more and more depressed. Josh said once that if I wanted to concentrate on my writing, then he’d be happy to work for the both of us. Then he decided we couldn’t live on his wage alone, so I set out to look for a job. It’s difficult to get a job here, especially with the recession, so it took me quite a while. I suggested to Josh that I sign on in the mean time so that we had some money coming in, even though it’s not a lot, it’s still something. He replied with “Or, you could just get a job.” Like I wasn’t trying.

Eventually I landed this cow pat of a job and now I’m stuck with it, whether it depresses me or not is irrelevant. I tried to tell Josh about how my job makes me feel but he just got angry with me. He doesn’t particularly like his job either and he thinks I have no right to complain about mine when I’ve only been there 3 and a half weeks. But what he doesn’t take into account is that I also do the clothes washing, the washing up, the dinner, sometimes lunch and breakfast for the two of us as well, general tidying around the house, keeping the bedroom tidy and writing as well as working in a job that makes me want to drink bleach. And what does he do? He gets stoned and plays thee Xbox whilst I run around after him.

He gets angry with me because I’m a complainer. I always have been and always will be, but I still get on and do things, I just complain about it at the same time. I do it so that people appreciate the things that I do. If I do it quietly, no-one will notice, but if I complain, people are forced to acknowledge what I’m doing and come to realise what a bother it is to me and appreciate that I’m doing it. Or that’s the theory anyway. It doesn’t really work like that because Josh expects me to do everything and just gets annoyed at my complaining.

Anyway, looks like he’ll be loosing his job soon as Thorntons is going down the pan and they’ll have to loose some staff to keep themselves open. I wonder if he’ll expect me to be supportive. I wonder if I should be, or whether I should tell him to hurry up and get a job.

I told him I didn’t want to be his good little house wife, because it would crush my spirit, but it looks like I may have resigned myself to it. I just hope I don’t loose site of myself again.

Anywho, I’m off.

Blessed Be

Hawk.

XxxX

Still no internet so another ‘Copy-Paste’ entry I’m afraid. I just wanted to put in this thought that came to me a couple of days ago.

My old friend Jessica came over. I’ve known her through Primary and Secondary school but after year 11, I went to Sixth Form and she went off to college. We tried to keep in touch and see each other as often as we could, but now she’s gone off to Kent University so it’s a lot more difficult. Anyway she was back home for a couple of weeks so I invited her over for a ‘catch up’.

It was great seeing her and hearing everything she was getting up to, obviously I won’t go into detail as it’s not my prerogative to disclose her personal life to the public. She asked me what I was doing now, and I told her. She said I should go to Uni but I argued that if I were to do a Uni course I’d do one in creative writing. However, that would take two, three, maybe four years, and in that time I could actually be writing. I asked her what she planned to do with the English Degree she was going to get after she finished her course. She replied with lack of interest and lack of concern. “Don’t know. Everyone assumes I’m going to be an English teacher but I don’t want to do that. Maybe I’ll travel and see if I can decide what to do afterwards.” This baffled me. Why would somebody go through the long, difficult task of getting a degree if they don’t know what they plan to do?

It wasn’t until afterwards when I really thought on this that I thought, I must be the only 18 year-old who sees my life on a timescale. I’m constantly thinking, I only have so much time left, I should hurry up and do something with my life. Time is running out. Most people I went to school with are now either at Uni, in an Apprenticeship or in a steady, well paying job that they love. They are either living life like they always intended or they are still drifting around, wasting time, enjoying youth.

I often wish that I had decided at a young age what I wanted to do and stuck with it, because then I would have been able to work my whole life towards that dream, and maybe I wouldn’t feel so lost now. But I’m one of those people who wanted to do something different every week, so it’s not until now that I’m actually doing something about it.

I’m one of those people who believe that we’re all here for a reason and I have always felt that (though this may sound arrogant of me) I was put here to do something incredible. I have been trying to discover what this is for years now and I think that (okay, this is going to sound crazy) it has something to do with the end of the world.

I don’t know, I guess I’ll just plod through life, doing what I’m doing now and see what happens. I just can’t help but worry about the time I have left. I want to achieve something in life, I want to be remembered. I guess everyone does.

Until the next time we meet,

Blessed Be

Hawk

XxxX

So, time for another post I guess. I don’t have the internet at home at the moment so I’m typing this in word, then when I get to a computer that is connected to the internet I can copy and paste.

 

So I guess I should start with Christmas. Lots of fun, I had three Christmas’s in a row. For Christmas eve I went with Josh to my parents to give and receive presents from my family. I was a little worried about the gifts we had bought people as we don’t have a lot of money so we had to do the best we could with what we have. It seemed though, that all of the presents we had bought were convenient for people at the time so all in all I was happy with what we had got. I got a brand new mp4 player which is awesome even if it is a Phillips. It crashed a couple of times to begin with but it seems to have stopped all that nonsense now. We also got some money from Ashley which was very helpful and greatly appreciated, but I think my favourite gift has to be Connor’s. He drew us an awesome picture of Jack Skeleton which was very nicely framed. I’ve always loved gifts like this. The fact that he spent the time to sit down and think about what we would like, then spend time drawing it and going out to get a frame just makes me feel special. As soon as we got it home I cleared a space for it and stood it on our bookshelf where it is in my direct sight when I wake up every morning.

 

I love seeing my family now. When I was living there I hated it because I was ignored when I was there and berated every time I left. But now when I come over my Dad shouts “Vicky, yay. Hello!” And I feel welcome and wanted. I miss Connor a lot though. We’ve always had a special kind of bond and I feel like being away from him has distanced us from each other. I don’t know what’s going on in his life anymore and it’s a little sad.

 

We went home late Christmas Eve so that we could spend our first Christmas at home together. We were awoken Christmas morning by the sound of Rosie (Josh’s little sister) saying “Are Vicky and Josh up yet? Are they coming over? Can we have our presents now?” So we decided we should probably get up. We collected our presents for Josh’s family and went over the road to deliver them. We had a good laugh with them as we always do then came back for our Christmas lunch with Rachel (Our Landlady-type person who we live with). That was lovely. Then we went back to Josh’s parents house to play charades and other such games. Then we went to bed.

 

Boxing day we went to Josh’s Gran’s as is tradition. Another tradition on boxing day is the massive fight between Josh’s Mum and Step-Dad but luckily they had argued the night before so Claire (Josh’s Mum) decided to go to her mum’s without him. We had a massive feast, exchanged gifts and played card games and a bit of wii. The were lots of people. Josh’s Gran and Grandad (Maggie and Ian), his Aunty Laura and her boyfriend Pete, his Uncle Nick and his girlfriend Sam (Who’s American), his Mum and his brothers and sister (Jordan, Harry and Rosie). Everybody got quite drunk and though I did try to like Sam my prejudice against American’s got in the way and she just irritated me. But all in all, it was good.

 

Moving on to new years eve and day. We went to Chelsea and Dan’s, who are good friends of me and Josh. I made some new friends, one of which was trying to show me magic tricks but who was so drunk he kept fucking them up. It was hilarious. I don’t have much to say about it really. I got very drunk and had a good laugh with a lot of people. That’s all really.

 

So I guess I’ll move swiftly on to general matters. I work at Roko, cleaning. It’s a little depressing. I do the same thing everyday and feel like I’m at the bottom of the social “food-chain”. Everybody I knew and know are either in university making something of themselves or have been working in an apprenticeship, or have steady, well-paying jobs. And I’m cleaning toilets for a posh health club. I hate myself for this. All my life I have been certain what I’m going to do with my life, the problem is that it was a different thing every year. If I had been more dedicated to something maybe I’d be somewhere by now, but I’m not. There are people who work there whole lives to get to a certain point and I feel like I’ve wasted so much time. Now, I am certain I am going to finish my book and sell it and am impressed with the amount of time and effort I’ve dedicated to it. I think though, that this is because this is the only thing that makes me truly happy and I can see myself becoming a published author. It will take years though and until then I guess I’ll be cleaning toilets and lockers and mopping floors.

 

I guess that’s all for now though, I’m tired and I can’t think of any more that I can say. So until next time,

 

Blessed Be

Hawk

XxxX

So it's been almost two years since I've written and loads has happened.

Me and Josh are now living together, have been for about 6-7 months. I have to admit I wanted to kill him at first but I've gotten used to his annoying habits and I'm sure there's things I do to annoy him aswell.

In regard to education, I had this plan to go to Uni in Lancaster to do a 3 year course in teaching so that I could get a proper career, but when it came down to it... I guess I was just scared. I've never exactly been a hard worker and I knew I would struggle, and the more I thought about being a teacher the more I hated it. The thought of resigning myself to 3 years of Uni so that I could spend the rest of my life doing something that I didn't really enjoy just made me depressed. I'm the kind of person who likes change, that's what keeps things exciting.

Anyway, my long term plan has always been to write. My goal is to write best-sellers and be richer than JK Rowling. At the moment I am on chapter 5 of my first book "The Journal of the Undead." A vampire story with lots of detail about killing. Chapters 1 and 2 are almost perfect. I don't think there is much more I can do to them to make them any better than they already are. Never-the-less, I will go over them again and again, just in case I notice something I have missed the 20 times before.

I am currently unemployed, (Apart from my writing but I don't get paid for that.) and Josh is still working in Thorntons. Everybody always says to me, "I bet you love that, getting a discount on chocolate, him bringing it home every night." But to be honest with you, he eats more chocolate than I do.

We're beginning to struggle with money a little, but I think It's just because it's almost Christmas and we're feeling the pinch. Also, the fact that Josh's synisitis has come back worse than ever may have helped with the lack of money.

Our relationship makes me wonder sometimes. We go through these same phases over and over again. We'll be really happy together and then slowly we will become irritated by each other and then we begin to be hostile to each other, then we'll have a massive fight in which we'll both cry and Josh will brake something. Then once we're too tired to fight anymore we'll talk and make up. Then we'll be really happy again and the whole cycle starts over. At the moment we're in the happy stage. I guess that's just the way our relationship works though. Even through it all though I don't love him any less than when I first met him and I know he adores me.

Lissy and I have finally resolved things. About 2 months ago I got an email from her saying she was sick of fighting and she wanted to talk. I was cautious to begin with but I decided to meet her, simply because she was going to wait out in the cold for me and I decided if I was in her position I wouldn't want to be ignored. When I met with her she said about how she had grown up and matured and how she didn't want to feel angry at me anymore. I agreed and after about 2 hours of 'ironing out the creases' we decided to be at peace. Friendly but not friends. So far this has suited me but today I got an e-mail from her that simply said "Why did you tell Adam you were going to get me?" I never said any such thing and this is what I told her, I just hope she doesn't start everything back up again, just because she's broken up with her boyfriend. Why would that make a difference? you ask. Well, whenever something has gone wrong in her life, she becomes angry and decides to take it out on me. Don't ask me why because I honestly don't know and she told me herself that she didn't know why either.

Don't know what else to say, I will try to keep you updated. I feel sorry for both my brothers as they are both finding life diffivult at the moment but I have faith that it will get better. All comments are very welcome.

Blessed Be
Hawk
XxxX

Tonight's post is all about Lissy and why she hates me.

Okay, so Lissy is Josh's ex right and we had a major falling out, well several falling outs actually and every time I say sorry and she either accepts the apology and then has a go at me for no reason at a later date, or she throws it back in my face. So I became annoyed, frustrated, pissed off, really mad and eventually wanted her dead. I wanted her to be so miserable that she attempted suicide. I thought she doesn't deserve to be happy, she deserves to be dead. I saw her crying today. Her mum had kicked her out and she had nowhere to go. She was so upset. And that's when I realised, she is still human. She still has feelings and defense mechanisms. Slowly it occurred to me that it's not for me to judge peoples suffering or to decide who deserves what fate, all I have to do is make sure I live my life well. So I knelt at her feet, I said sorry again and awaited her forgiveness but it never came. I have tried so hard to understand this girl but every time I think I'm getting close she surprises me again. She threw my apology back in my face again. She thought I was happy to see her like this when really what I felt was guilt. 

What do you do when you want to earn someones forgiveness but they just don't want to know? Give up? Keep trying, hoping you'll brake through the barrier? Keep fighting and arguing, knowing that it's getting you nowhere?

I don't know what to do anymore, I just don't know.

I hope your lives are less confusing.
Blessed Be
Hawk
XxxX

Sorry, last post ended rather abruptly. I thought I might update you a little more on my life.

For starters Dale's back. I was in college one day and someone came up to me and said, "Oh by the way, Dale's back." Me and a friend went all over the college looking for him. When we finally found him I gave him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. I'd missed him so much. Visually he'd hardly changed at all but emotionally and mentally he was completely different. Apparantly he hated Australia and everything about it. He couldn't wait to come back and was glad that he had now. He had been very depressed and now seemed emotionally dead. The only thing that makes him the least bit happy is the imaginning of people in pain.

Whilst I was with Stu, I got into a lot of things I wish I hadn't including drinking, soft drugs and self-harm. But after alot of time and alot of help from Josh, (and none what-so-ever from my parents) I got better and now only drink on special occasions, seldom do drugs and only self-harm in majorly extreme cases. So I'm not quite alright but I'm getting there. I'm really upset at the moment as my Dad has just denied me the one thing that may convince me to be home more often, a cat. I'm hardly evr at home because I feel depressed the instant I walk through the front door. I can't tell you exactly what it is that depresses me, I guess it's just a combination of everything here. I felt that if I had something to love and something to love me at home, then I wouldn't feel that depression. But I guess Dad thinks I'm not responsible enough to care for something I love.

Anywho, i'll update again soon

Blessed Be
Hawk
XxxX

So It's been about 2 and a half years since I last posted here and I have come a long way from the niave, innocent girl I last left you with. Remember Stu? He turned out to be an asshole. It took me a whole year to figure that one out. Now I'm with Josh, Stu's ex best mate. I didn't plan it that way. I didn't do it just to be a bitch or anything, but you can't help who you fall in love with.

Me and Josh have been together for 1 whole year and three blissfull months...almost. We've had our arguments, everyone has, but me and Josh have something special. We understand each other. We have both been through alot in our lives and that makes us understanding and well suited to each other.

I've grown up alot since I last posted. It's amazing how much can happen in two years. I'm working now and am in college and all my life plans have changed along with my music taste and many other things. If you're really interested check out my bebo site. http://bebo.com/vicstaroonie

Not alot to say really, I thought it was about time I updated again. Last time I left you then, was new year and Stu. I've seen him every day since. According to Mum, I see him 'too much'. Ashley and Shanna don't see each other enough if at all, and I see Stu 'too much'. I don't understand all the in's and out's of 'love' but I'm pretty sure that this is the closest thing I have ever felt to 'love'. I suppose for now though, I'm a teenager and I'm just having fun, although I do feel as though I need to see him everyday at the least. He seems obbssesed with sex though, not that I blame him, he's a guy after all but sometimes he does scare me.

I've been trying to read Ashley's LJ but finding it difficultbecause there are words missing and most of the sentences don't make sence. Not only that but there's alot of it. I've read two entries so far and am getting to the third part now. Anywho, got to go to bed now because I'm not feeling too well I'll update again at a later date.

Blessed Be

Hawk.

Well here I am, merely weeks after Dale left and already I have my head filled with another. Stu. I met him a while back, but didn't think anything of him...until now.

I met him for the second time at Mady's new year party. There were alot of adults, 5 teenagers and 4 children to start with but after midnight there was 4 adults 4 teenagers and 4 children. Those 4 teenagers were Mandy, Josh (Mandy's boyfriend), Stu (Josh's best mate) and me. We all had a little bit to drink but Mandy had ALOT to drink. Actually she got absolutely p***** out of her mind!
We had a great time, all of us, and we HAVE to do it again! I'll spare you all the gory and more personal details, but I'll give you the basic Idea of what happened.

Well, I got drunk as I said earlier and I got up close to Stu, physically. I put my hand on his face and said “I really feel like I want to kiss you.” And he said “Go on then.” So I did.

Anyway, I know that you don't particularly want to know every last detail but that's how it started. We see each other frequently now and although we've only been going out with him for 8 days I already feel very close to him. He turned up on the doorstep today (So if you're reading this Ashley, that's who he was.) and said that he came because he wanted to see me and wanted to be with me. Admittedly he's not a great looker but it's what's on the inside that counts, right? I really like him alot and sometimes I get this weird longing to be with him. I daren't tell Dad about him because I know I'll get a load of aggravation from him. I'll wait until we're engaged to break the news to him.

I know Stu and me will be together for a long time, how long I don't know only time can tell, but I know we'll go far.

That's all for now.
Blessed Be
Hawk.
xxx

Well...this is it...goodbye Dale. Today was the last day I'm ever going to see Dale. I went with Vicki to his house tonight and we just talked then went to Somerfield then talked more, we had great fun though. Then it was time for me to go home. I turned to him just before I left and said, "Am I never going to see you again?" and he said "No." I walked up to him and hugged him for the last time before turning and leaving. He's moving to Australia and he's not coming back.

But who knows? Last time he said he was leaving, the house fell through and he was back at school a few weeks later. Maybe he will come back, One can only hope.

Blessed Be
Hawk
xxx

Hello everyone. Well, this afternoon we got our second phone call from Ashley. He didn't say much but I've just read his LJ so that I know what's going on. I felt very good inside when I read that he's still holding onto my gift. I didn't think it was possible to love someone as much as Ashley loves Shanna, but perhaps when you meet 'The One' you do fell a certain longing to be with them.

On the subject of love, there's this guy at school who...well...let me see how I explain this. It started off as me just as a passing thought said that he was cute and then he slowly became more of an obbsession. Then after that it tuned down a bit and now, well it's weird...When I'm at home and alone I don't really think about it but when I'm at school when I'm near him, when I see him, even when I hear his name I just feel like I want to be with him, and want to be able to talk to him. My friends are constantly saying to him that I fancy him and now everybody knows and everybody is saying it to him but so far he's ignored it and me. I'm kind of friends with his friends even his best friend and they talk to me and joke with me wheather they like me or not but he completely ignors my existance. I suppose you could say I'm confused, I just want to know what to do next. Just carry on and live life as I am now, or should I come forward and talk to him, or should I ignor him in the way he's ignoring me?

What do you think?

Blessed Be

Hawk

First of all I'm sorry to all my fans (what fans?!) for not writing for ages but nothing particularly interesting has happend in my life... Until this morning, 4 o'clock this morning to be precise. Today is the day that Ashley grabs his dreams with both hands, and I feel very...umm...well I don't think there's a word for it, It's like pride but in a kind of looking-up-to-him way with a hint of I-hope-that-I-can-do-the-same-thing-when-I'm-older with kind of a I-hope-to-follow-in-his-footsteps thing. That probably meant nothing to you but I think it sums up just how I feel.

I got up specially early this morning so that I could make something very special for Ashley. The one thing that I want is for Ashley to be happy, but with that happiness I want him to be safe. I made him a lucky charm. Unless you are a wiccan or know the wiccan religion this probably will mean nothing to you but the point is that it means the world to me. I asked Spirit to bless him. This I wished with all my heart and I placed many positive energies and alot of magic into a simple object. An object that will protect him and help him find happiness.

Soon enough it was time for him to leave. I went with him so that I could see him off, something that I really wanted to do, so we got in the car and made our way to Grahams house so that we could all go to the station together. When we got there I was amazed by how cold it was. We were only waiting for a few minutes but it seemed as though we were standing there for ages in the freezing cold weather...before a certain boy caught my eye >;). Anyway this entry is supposed to be about Ashley so... Anyway, soon enough the couch arrived and Ashley after sticking his bag in the compartment and after vaugly waving was about to get on the couch. Well I was having none of this. How dare he just leave like that, just waving before dissappearing for three weeks. No I called him back for a proper 'Good-bye'.

And that morning in the couch station on that freezing morning I hugged my big brother for the first time for as long as I can remember and it reminded me that Ashley is infact human. After 14 years of practically no comunication with this brother that I have admired for so long I have seen him as merely an idol. It's like when you see pop stars on television, you forget that they have lives like the rest of us. And after being shut out of Ashley's life for so many years I forgot that he was my brother and that he has a social life as well. But when, on a very rare occasion, I get that close to Ashley I realise that he is real, he does have a life and he is mortal.

Anyway, this morning I saw him dissappear on a couch and he will not return for three weeks. But as I said earlier I want him to be happy and if going to America and not seeing his family for three weeks is what he wants then fine, and good luck to him.

Okay I've written lots compared to my usual amount so I better go for now. Another update will come later though once I hear from Ashley. Feel free to comment.

Blessed Be
Hawk

I know I havn't written for months now but something I said today made me want to put this in even if it's only a small not I just had to say this:
I feel as though Ashley is the only person I respect because he has earned my respect, this is why I look up to him, he has always known what he wanted and now, he's pretty much got it or is getting it. Of corse I respect other people too but Ashley is the only one who has so much respect I would spend hours learning about his life. He wont let me in but I guess he's got his reasons. When the time's right I might get to know him better or maybe I'll just wait until he publishes his autobiography. I wish we had more of a sister-brother relationship than we do at the moment though. He can be cool at times and funny but I don't think that he cares.
Anywho, gotta go now, typing lots and my fingers are hurting. Just a fact that people may want to think over.

Blessed Be,
Hawk.
xxx